By: Susan Clark Armstrong ––
Although I rarely agree with columnist Hal Crowther, his reasons for voter apathy ring true. He wrote… “Who can fault Americans for apathy, when all our leading roles are played by sneaks, snitches, backstairs fornicators, con men, hypocrites, pimps, panders, pornographers and peeping toms?”
I’m from Louisiana. We resemble that remark. We set the bar pretty high for political shenanigans, or, according to public perspective, extremely low.
In Lafayette, we once had nine candidates running for sheriff while awaiting felony trials. Although revered for his social reforms, LA Governor Huey Long urinated on the leg of a Washington bureaucrat at a fancy New York political gala. Long was known to consistently “deport himself scandalously,” and several of his adversaries disappeared without a trace.
When a journalist asked Louisiana Governor Edwin Edwards about his chances of being re-elected after it was discovered he consistently “borrowed” public money to entertain himself, along with various women and friends on chartered airplane trips around the US, Edwards infamously said, “The only way I can lose this election is if I’m caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.” He won.
In 1994, I began writing a political column for the Clay County section of the Florida Times Union (TU). After attending county meetings, reviewing local history and listening to recollections of long-time county residents, local politics began to feel strangely familiar…at first.
My adopted county was a place where politicians, especially commissioners, were typically bequeathed their seats by their daddies or other blood kin. There were elections, but those seemed mere formalities as the candidates were vetted by the good ole boys (GOBs) and blessed by the county godfather.
Clay had a long-time commissioner who decided to be Supervisor of Elections (SOE). He was a small, bony Barney Fife-looking man who hiked-up his britches and had a great big appetite for the ladies. He typically only showed up on paydays, usually with a super-sized bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken to hand out with the paychecks. One brave woman finally filed sexual harassment charges against him. Seems he took her to Tallahassee for an SOE meeting and stopped off on the way back at a state park for some literal touchy-feely and to entice her with stories of his exceedingly sordid carnal habits. The GOBs and the godfather were all absolutely appalled the woman would dare point a finger at the bony one since he was a member of their crowned heads. They indignantly vowed to take the woman into county court where, they swore, she would never get a red cent! When they put Mr. SOE on the stand, it didn’t go well. He didn’t deny any of his actions and instead began to proudly elaborate on his bizarre activities. The GOBs whisked the SOE off the stand quicker than a roach on butter and were suddenly agreeable to a quiet arrangement in which the aggrieved woman did receive that red cent, and a whole lot more. Locals attended the trial, as did a reporter, so the event lives on.
After this story, coupled with several others, I began to wear double crosses and carry Holy Water to the county offices, sure there was a portal to Hell amongst the buildings.
My narratives included a Clerk of Court who spoke about himself in the third person and affixed his name to everything in the courthouse and around the county that would stay stationary for the affixing. He bought a Clerk of Court parade float, had a throne built on it and routinely held court with friends and sometimes by himself. The clerk lost $16.4 million dollars and when a sitting commissioner asked him to account for the money, he sued him.
I found evidence that for 10 years one sheriff was using his county credit card to pay for spa and ski vacations, alcohol, X-rated movies and panties for females who were not his wife. The Panties Sheriff tried out several excuses, but finally decided to go with “I thought I was charging all that stuff on my personal credit card” for ten years.
Now we have a sheriff who appears to believe he is above the law. His well-built angry wife, who has been seen regularly at the gun range, found out he was having an affair. Records show he told his wife that his young lover was actually stalking him. The sheriff set up a meeting with the young woman, who didn’t have a baby-sitter so agreed to come with her small child. He had his officers arrest his mistress, surrounding the car and yanking her from within while his wife watched, as did the woman’s tiny frightened daughter. Pertinent facts were left out of his confession. The affair had been on-going for six years, he had given the young woman approximately $30,000 and she was pregnant.
Though alike in some ways, Louisiana politics and Clay County’s differ in others. In LA, we usually get even. Fool us once, sometimes twice or three times, we sip our sweet tea and roll our eyes. Fool us again and we will back right over you with our Dually or send you to jail. Most of the felony candidates in Layfette went to jail before the primaries and the others underestimated the intellect of their constituency. Huey was hailed a hero for the urination episode but was assassinated.
In my adopted county, and many times in Tallahassee, our justice system is especially forgiving of elected officials. The GOBs told the SOE to keep his KFC at home. He wasn’t allowed to run in the next election. Turned out the clerk had a big slush fund he amassed from county fines. He used the money to entertain his friends and himself and to sue the commissioner. Although using public funds either temporarily or permanently for personal use is a felony, the state attorney allowed the clerk to resign. He moved over to Lake City and built a huge home on a lake and the missing $16.4 million is still a mystery. The Panties Sheriff, who also used our money for his dallying, was brought to the grand jury. One of his closest friends was the state attorney who lead the grand jury to an “okay, I did it, but I didn’t mean to” outcome with a “no criminal intent” bill. The members of the grand jury did strike a blow with their written presentment to tell the people of Clay that anyone who mistakes their personal credit card for their government credit card for 10 years is either a liar or stupid. I’m paraphrasing. The Panties Sheriff ran for office again but was defeated in a landslide but continues to insert himself into the local law enforcement elections today. Our present sheriff is under investigation by the Florida Department of Law Enforcement and is apparently a devotee of Gov. Edwards. Since the girls, plural, that he has been linked to are still alive, he is seeking re-election and feels sure he will win. It took the FDLE about four months to wrap up the horrendous mass shooting in Parkland, FL. It has been over a year since the sheriff had his pregnant girlfriend arrested and the FDLE is still “investigating.”
I regale you with these true stories to remind you, be they local, state or national, left unchecked many politicians will disappoint us, sadden us, anger us and entertain us, occasionally all at the same time. Thanks to term limits, Clay County now has, mostly, honest people on the county commission and planning commission. To be fair, I have actually known a lot of honest politicians with pure motives. Okay, not a lot, but a few.
When Folio Weekly closed their doors this month because of COVID-19, it was a grim day for Clay County. The people at Folio cared about our area as evidenced by the fact that we revealed sometimes illegal and often-time bad behavior of countless politicians for many years. Other local media paid little attention to Clay unless someone died in a noteworthy way, or we had one of our current sheriff’s manufactured massive drug busts where he appeared on camera in his Highlander garb and assured citizens he’s keeping them safe by arresting oodles of bad guys and seizing massive amounts of drugs. Other media moved on, never having read the actual reports that revealed a couple of stoners with a dooby were arrested, then released.
For the past two weeks, since Folio Weekly’s closure, I have received letters, emails, texts, Facebook messages and phone calls. These missives were from people who are afraid, with the closure of Folio, that our county will return to a place where politicians can exchange Kentucky Fried for a day’s works and groping and expect us to pay for lake houses and panty parties while they cavort through self-indulgence.
While at the TU, I wrote a column in 1995 about standing the watch for our county. In it, I recounted a scene in the movie A Few Good Men. In the movie, two young Marines were being tried for killing another Marine. One of the attorneys for the accused Marines, played by Demi Moore, is asked: “Why do you like them so much?”
She answered, “Because they stand on the wall, and they say, ‘Nothing is going to hurt you…not on my watch.’ ”
At that time I took a sheet of typing paper and in 24-point typed “Nothing is going to hurt you…not on my watch.” I put the paper in an old brown K-Mart frame and hung it on my office wall. And I stood the watch. After leaving the TU, I took it down and put it in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet. After re-reading the missives, a lot of prayer, soul-searching and wondering if I had lost my mind, I took my K-Mart framing out, cleaned the glass and hung it back on my wall…and The Fifty Shades of Clay was created.
I’ve cracked many stories about elected and appointed officials who have shown theirs. Only once did I “accidentally” find proof to break a story. The rest of the time the evidence originated from tips. So, to stand the watch, I need your help. I invite county employees and citizens, the rich and poor, young and old, Democrats, Republicans, Progressive, Liberals, Conservatives, and the people in the tin-foiled hats, to tell me your stories about injustices, illegalities and events that go beyond the pale of ethical and into the realm of pure stupidity. Contact me at my email on this site. I will investigate your news and if it can be corroborated, I will write about it.
My out-of-state peeps are invited to comment, commiserate and/or just feel better about their sheriff.
I don’t have a lot of life rules; I just try to follow Proverbs. Also, I don’t eat at restaurants that sell bait. (Except Whitey’s Fish Camp since they have different buildings.) Nonetheless, I have set a few rules for your public blog comments and private emails.
Please always tell me the truth to the best of your knowledge. If you have something in writing, all the better. Don’t campaign on this site for a particular candidate… I am an equal opportunity insulter, so your favorite may be next. No cussing! I have brothers and a worldly sister, so I’ve heard it all but let’s disagree respectfully. This is not a gossip site; I have been known to appreciate titillating tidbits, but let’s not air the salacious unless we have proof…or pictures!
Thomas Jefferson said “When government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government there is tyranny.” We have had tyranny in our county and we will continue to have it.
Step up on the wall with me. I’ll give you a hand and some of that sweet tea. Let the fear begin!
Thomas Jefferson
